she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
