yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
