remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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