So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
