The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
