im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just blew my weed a kiss
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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