Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
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