I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
