im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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