woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
