You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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