i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
