he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
