i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize