I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
