I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
