Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
