Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
