An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Boobs are out for the taking
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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