every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i drank out of a bidet.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
