I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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