you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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