I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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