when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
