nut hugger
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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