i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
