She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
