Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
