My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
