I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
