But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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