ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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