Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
