A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
