And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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