he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
