i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
