every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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