The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
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I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
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I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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