I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
