so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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