Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
