I think I won the penis lottery.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
