I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
