Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just invented taco cereal.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
