found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
