I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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