I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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