I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
