mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm having to shit out rocks
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