half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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