Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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