put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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