At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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