I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
