Old men and throwing up are my life now.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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