How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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