My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Shame - the story of my life.
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