He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
