i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
