i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Boobs speak an international language.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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